An Important Note To Betrayed Partners About My Treatment Approach

Due to the nature of my clinical practice, almost all of my clients have engaged in some form of sexual betrayal.  This may have involved other people or the secret use of online pornography -- or both.

As an experienced Atlanta Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), I am very well trained to help a man (all my clients are male) who has struggled to control his sexual behavior.  In other words, I help people heal from their sex and pornography addiction.  I know what to do in order to help a person understand and accept being a sex addict, and I know how to motivate him to take the appropriate and extensive actions that are often necessary to successfully address this issue.  Sometimes it can be a long and difficult process to create a healthier future and heal the pain of the past.  

However, it's important for betrayed partners to know that I don't assume that everyone who comes to see me is a true sex addict.  People cheat and hide their sexual behavior from the people who love them for many different reasons. 

This why I developed a way to help people in these situations heal and grow without the need to use labels.  It's called the Problematic Sexual Behavior (PSB) Framework.  The PSB Framework is an effective and simple way of assessing any form of sexual behavior in a manner that gets right to the heart of what makes it a problem.  The PSB Framework assesses sexual behavior across five categories, specifically for behavior that (1) violates important commitments, (2) is contrary to a person’s core values, (3) is not fully within the person’s self-control, (4) consistently results in negative consequences, and/or (5) is not consistent with a responsibility to others (which itself means to insure that everybody gives full consent and that nobody is harmed or exploited).

The behavior of some of my clients may only involve one of these categories, but most of my clients have problems with several and even all of them.  By using descriptions rather than labels and by examining exactly what makes a person’s sexual behavior a problem, I can quickly help a person accept the need to do whatever is necessary to heal, in a manner that is specific and that does not require a label.

This way of examining a person’s sexual behavior is not contrary to the very real label of sex addiction.  What it does instead is to consider that sex addiction is one of many forms of problematic sexual behavior.  I will very often recommend that my clients attend at least a few Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings in order to get more information, to demonstrate a commitment to growth and to overcome any negative bias they may hold about just what is means to be a sex addict.  I use many of the same approaches, techniques and recommendations for all of my clients, even the ones I do not consider to be true sex addicts.

This approach has proven time and again to work very well.  I have used it to help countless men learn to live within their commitments in a way that is consistent with their values while protecting and honoring the health and well-being of others.  Whether or not I consider your husband or partner to be a true sex addict or not, I am committed to helping him achieve these goals and to do his very best to heal the harm he has caused you and others.

I have given workshops and seminars about the PSB Framework to many other therapists, counselors and betrayal trauma coaches across the nation .  It has consistenly been extremely well received for its clarity, simplicity and usefulness.  I have received the highest level of recognition in this field for creating this method for helping people heal and grow from patterns of sexual behavior that have resulted in great pain to themselves, their partners and their families.

I am writing this because sometimes a spouse who has been repeatedly betrayed wants me to work exclusively within the sex addiction model.  This often happens because in the past this model was just about the only comprehensive approach to this complex problem and often other therapists have recommended working only with a CSAT. Without knowing my approach ahead of time it can be confusing and even alarming to learn that I am not always focusing on a chronic betrayer's “sex addiction”. 

I want every betrayed partner to understand that I devote every bit of my skill and experience to help my clients to not only stop their problematic sexual behavior but to become the best men they can be.  This often requires long and hard work to achieve the true and lasting growth that is necessary to reach this noble goal. 

All of this is to say that if my work with your spouse doesn't seem to be helping both him and you, or if you do not understand any aspect of my approach, I encourage you to read more of the information on this website or even request an opportunity to talk with me.  Of course I always need to get the permission of my client even to talk with a spouse, but if he's sincere in his desire to help you this will almost always happen.  I always keep the needs and well-being of a betrayed partner in mind throughout the course of this work.

I hope these words are helpful to you during what is very likely a very difficult time in your life and relationship.

Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT